I wanted you to understand me. In some way, I felt dependent on your comprehension of my life. As if only your acceptance could bring me inner peace. I guess my whole journey in art has been about this relationship between you and me.

So I tried to make a film about my life and art.

I put everything I had into the project. Traveled thousands of miles backpacking through Western America, working on my story. My daughter filmed me mostly in silence as I wrote in my journal, recorded voice memos of melodies and songs, and aimed to get you to understand.

The film won an award at a film festival,

but I quickly felt that something was wrong. Had I told the right story? Was this really what I wanted to make? Yeah, some people liked it, but what about me? How do I feel?

I was in turmoil over making something commercial enough for others to get it, while at the same time feeling good about it myself.

For a year and a half, the film sat hidden on my hard drive.

I didn't know what to do.

And then I knew. I must tell the story that I feel good about, and if others don't understand, that is how it must be. It is for me to accept myself even in the possibility of complete rejection.

I began the new version of the film with a new title, HELLO I AM LETTING GO.

What I learned in this new version of the film is that I needed to let go of the story and let my paintings, music, poetry, and journal entries speak for themselves.

This is a film, but it is art first.

I decided to release the film independently on YouTube for free and forgo any film festivals. This project feels like it needs to be directly in front of people outside any paid wall.

I always wanted to make a film project that took a grassroots punk rock strategy. Where we don't answer to any outside influence that is only in it for the money. We don't follow any rules, and we make something for the pure sense of making it.

MATTHEW JOSHUA BIGBEE